The Dater’s Dictionary: Tough Love Text Translations






Ever read a text from Future Hopeful Possibly Potential Bae more than once?

Then again? Then once more in a different voice or tone, adding your own pauses, punctuation and dramatic tones to try and figure out what secret message they were implying?

Sometimes, you have to read between the scrolls to understand what a text really means.

Without being able to read someone's body language, hear their tone or see their tell-all facial expressions, texts can leave you with a lot of questions. I get no context — sincerity, truth, emotion: those all go out the window (and in fly banana, poop, peach and eggplant emojis)...


So how do you know if someone means what they text and texts what they mean? Never fear, your tough love text translator is here. Time to clear up those blurred lines and read between the lies. Here's what that message REALLY meant:


TEXT: "Wanna grab a drink?"

TRANSLATION: You have Bae potential, but first you must pass a few tests I have up my sleeve.


TEXT: "Maybe."

TRANSLATION: No. Absolutely Not. Complete opposite of yes, but you seem very fragile and I don't want the guilt that comes with saying 'no' to you.


TEXT: "This month is REALLY crazy for me."

TRANSLATION: I am not interested in making time for you but I somehow managed to make time for everyone — and everything — else in my life.


TEXT: "Give me your number..I'll call you."

TRANSLATION: I am actually not even saving your number in my phone: I'm checking my email as I pretend to enter your number.



TRANSLATION: I'm not actually laughing out loud, but the thought made me smile.





TEXT: "Wanna come over and watch a movie?"

TRANSLATION: I don't even have a TV: there's no chance we're watching a movie, but I have a lot of other ideas for how we can entertain ourselves (also known as "Netflix and Chill")...


TEXT: "Hey sorry I didn't reply to your text the other day."

TRANSLATION: In 24 hours, you haven't cross my mind. In fact, I looked at my phone over 100 times yesterday and still didn't text you back. (Mayday! Make this person vanish from your "potential" list quicker than a Snapchat).


TEXT: "What's your weekend like?"

TRANSLATION: I'm trying to get ALL up in your weekend plans. Pencil me in.


TEXT: "I never got your text."

TRANSLATION: I totally got your text (do you know how many bars/cell phone towers there are these days?!). I didn't reply because the answer was no, or made me uncomfortable.


TEXT: "Let me check my schedule and get back to you."

TRANSLATION: Let me check my schedule to see if I have anything else better to do and if I don't, we can totally hang.



TRANSLATION: Bye forever.


Okay. How's everyone doing? Did we all make it through this post ok? Hey, don't shoot the messenger blogger! Just trying to help a sister/brother out so you don't waste your time. Get what you deserve: people will only treat you as good — or bad — as you allow them to. You deserve an honest text. A straight-to-the-point message. A sincere heart-eyes emoji.


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